I & My

It’s funny how you can think that your through a struggle, just to come into a situation where you find you have made progress, but just not as much as you thought you had.  I should know better from past experiences.  There’s always a test.  LOL.  Well that was me yesterday.

Most of you know what I’ve gone through with struggling being here with my Mom.  It all happened so fast and is so permanent.  I even wrote a blog on “I NEED TO BE NEEDED.”  Thought I had come through and now I could move on.  Well we are going to be going to SC for Thanksgiving.  EXCITED is an understatement.  BUT I started to realize especially yesterday, just how much I was looking forward to going back.  I didn’t think it would affect me as deeply as what I’m feeling now.  I thought I had passed the point of “this is where I’m to be and I’m happy here.”  WRONG!!!  All of a sudden I got honest with myself and felt that old tug of “there’s no place like HOME.”  I shared with Bill MY struggle and he enlightened me, but I didn’t like anything he said.  Hey, I know you’ve been there too.  God was speaking through him, but I told him, “I’m here stomping MY feet having a tantrum inside.”  I want to be home in MY bedroom.  Enjoying MY kitchen.  Watching the tv channels I like.  MY this and MY that.  Christmas is coming and MY heart was to be with MY children.  And on and on and on and on!!!!

As I realized where MY thoughts were headed I started crying out to God for help!  First off I don’t want to hurt MY mom.  She is a very sensitive person and picks things up quickly.  And more times than not she is right.  🙂  I’m like, “God how am I going to be able to enjoy MY time home and not have MY mom see how I’m feeling.  And God you know I’ll probably cry all the way back to Florida.  I so just want to be back to MY house with MY husband.  I want to go to Morningstar again and really be involved with worship at MY church.   Again all the MY’s came to the fore.

Then suddenly I heard His voice say this and it stopped me short.  “I LEFT MY HOME BECAUSE OF LOVE.  I left MY place of safety and what I knew as home.  I left close fellowship with MY father and the angelic beings that spent time with.  I left MY home of peace to come to one of sin, chaos and sickness.  Ellie believe me I was homesick many times!!  Sure I went to the mountain to pray to MY Father.  BUT being in heaven with him and then here on earth, there was no comparison.  I could remember the smells of heaven and the activity going on there.  Seeing children playing and laughing together.  Hearing the angels singing.  But because of MY LOVE for you and mankind and getting back what I NEEDED or wanted more than anything, personal relationship with you, I left all that.  FOR THE JOY THAT WAS SET BEFORE  MEI ENDURED THE CROSS.”

WOW!!  OUCH!!!!!!  Talk about feeling small and selfish!!!!  I knew he was right!!!!  I felt awful.  I also have to admit I forget many times that Jesus was a man like us.  He had feelings and emotions as we do.  After all we are made in his image right?  We so religiously put Jesus in a box without even realizing it.  And in doing so we make him less than what he was on this earth.  A man with feelings and emotions and having all the 5 senses of a human being.  Think about it!!  He never could have walked the walk he did and be a MAN without sin, if he hadn’t become human as we are.

It also hit me as harsh as this may sound, that this is a cross experience for me.  Not because of MY mom, but because God is showing me the depths of what is in MY heart and how deep selfishness goes.  It’s amazing how we love with strings attached or with limits or certain expectations.  And we don’t even realize it until were in situations setup by God to show us.

I’ve mentioned this before in another blog but it bears repeating.  The story about when Bob Jones went to heaven.  The one question that Jesus asked him was this, “Bob, have you LEARNED to LOVE?”  

MY prayer has become this, “Father continue to teach ME how to love.  Remove all the barriers that keep your true love from entering into MY heart first.  Break down the walls of not allowing you into areas of MY life where your love would change ME.  And then continue to show ME the stumbling blocks in MY life that keep ME from showing your love to family first and then others.  In your precious name i pray.  Amen.”



For about a week now I have been hearing and feeling these words.  “I need to be needed.”  At first these words were just a random thought.  But as the days went on, there were times it was overwhelming.  It came to a point where it would almost seem like a scream from WITHIN.

I need to give you some back ground of where I’m going with all of this.  Please bear with me as I do.  I promise it will make sense in the end and hopefully encourage your heart as well.  Isa 55:8-9 says this:  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.“As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

In January of this year, Bill and I moved to South Carolina.  In November of 2013 while at Morningstar in a Sunday morning service, the Lord sovereignly spoke to me.  During worship I suddenly saw a glass dome come over me.  I could still hear people worshipping, but it was a muffled sound.  I than heard the Lord say this, “Elle welcome home.”  I said out loud, “this isn’t home.  Pennsylvania is.”  I remember my BFF Diana looking at me like what????  LOL!  He said, “Ellie, Bill needs to be on a sabbatical to write his book on Spiritual Warfare.  Also he has a physical condition that needs attending too.  Plus you need to be CLOSE TO YOUR MOM.”  Then the dome lifted and I was right back into the service.  All I could do was cry.  I never told anyone but waited for a confirmation.  Much to my surprise I got it the following day when Bill saw our doctor.  The doctor said, “Bill you need a sabbatical.  Your have the beginnings of an ulcer.”  I lost it and started to cry and when I could get my composure, I shared what had happened the day before in service.  So that was the beginning of putting everything in motion to move to South Carolina.  God gave us confirmation after confirmation that it was His will.  Not some fly by night word.  But I have to tell you it was the hardest move I have ever made.  I would cry with each box packed.  But inside I knew that this was important if for no other reason then Bill’s health.  The day we moved, I was the last one to leave the house.  It was heart wrenching.  BUT knowing what I know now, God had so much more in store for me to see and learn.  Like most human beings, when God speaks a word of direction for our lives, we immediately get in our minds what He is up too.  BUT more times than not, we are sooooo wrong.

Once moved and settled in I started to read a book called THE PATH, by Rick Joyner.  That book moved me inside like none I have read in a very long time.  I would get up early each morning with anticipation for the next chapter.  I’d get my coffee and grab the book and made sure I had a pin to underline.  And underline I did.  As I read each chapter, the hunger to “know Jesus” became increasingly powerful.  There was a song that I would listen to daily by Kim Walker Smith, called “Pursuit.”  That song drove me into further hunger for Jesus.  I can remember days of saying out loud one portion of the song,  “I will NOT be denied.”  One day while praying and crying deep sobs I said, ” Jesus I want my own personal experience with you.  I’m not reading the gospels.  That was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John’s experience.  I want my own.”  Well he heard my prayer, BUT never in the way I expected and never in the way I would have imagined.

A couple of days later in the early morning hours, I suddenly was awaken and I mean wide awake.  It was around 3 in the morning.  I felt a unusal drawing of the Holy Spirit to get up and get my coffee, book and a pin.  I did.  I could sense the presence of the Lord so strongly.  My heart was racing inside and I couldn’t get the coffee fast enough.  When I did, I took a sip and sat back and just got quiet.  Suddenly I heard this so clear in my spirit, “Ellie you have a deep capacity to love.  You’ve been crying out to know me.  To me is to “love.”  I am giving you a new angel today called Benevolence.  He will help you as you walk this walk.  He will help teach you.  And also I want you to do homework.  Read 1 Corinthians 13 every single day.”  Then the Lord opened my eyes to see the new angel.  At first I was really skeptical.  But he definitely was real!  About 6 1/2 feet fall and clothes in white raiment.  Had a gold sash for a belt around his waist.  I remember wondering is this real or is this an unclean spirit and Papa is just testing me.  Hey, I’m sure you’ve all had this happen to you too.  LOL!!  I went back to bed around 5.  My angel followed me.  I laid down in my bed and looked again and there he was at the doorway of our bedroom.  He was smiling and had a mischievous look in his eyes.  He said, “you don’t trust me do you?”  I thought what is up with this???  Then I thought I haven’t challenged this being.  Maybe it isn’t of God, especially with that look in his eyes.  Now hear me.  He wasn’t scary and I didn’t feel anything creepy.  But he could be an angel of light right???  Seeming to be an angel but not?  I’ve had that happen a few times.  Anyways, I just hadn’t seen that look in an angels eyes before.  So I sat up and looked him right in the eyes and challenged him.  “By the blood of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, are you for us or against us?  I command you to tell me what Kingdom your of.”  He said, “I serve the Living God.  I’m from the Kingdom of the Most High.”  Bam!!  Then I realized, this angel has personality.  LOL!!!  I have another angel also called Eucalyptus, which means healing, but his personality is much different.  So I laid down and went fast to sleep not realizing that this journey of “Love” was to take a turn I wasn’t expecting.

Most of you now know if not all of you, that I have moved in with my mom.  God’s word was true when he said “you need to be close to your mom.”  Go figure right?  LOL!  She is 90 and has not been doing well physically.  It came to a head in August when as a family, we knew mom could not stay alone anymore.  She was showing signs of confusion and that was scary when it came to her medicines.  We had one near fatal incident and didn’t want to see another.  So with agreement of my mom, which is another story I’ll share sometime, and family, Bill and I took on the responsibility of being with her here in Florida.  It has been a transition.  One I didn’t understand and first and in all honesty really struggled with.

Moving in with my mom came about so fast.  I came to take over for my sister who is a teacher living in Dallas Texas.  I never thought that once here I wouldn’t be returning home to live.  There were days of intense struggle.   Lord I would ask “how can this be your will.  I thought you said, that my mom would need me close.  I didn’t think you meant that I had to move in with her.  I’m supposed to be in ministry with Bill.”  BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!  Amazing how much selfishness arises when we think we need to be “doing” God’s work not realizing that we are, by taking care of your mom.  All the time though I’m reading 1 Cor. 13.  WOW!!  But I was missing it.  Totally missing it.  Even had verses underlined!!!

The other evening my mom was sharing with me an incident that happened to her.  In the end she said this, “I NEEDED TO BE NEEDED!”  Yep!  You can imagine what went on inside of me.  Bells and whistles blowing like crazy.  And loudly may I say.  The very words I had been hearing for a good week or more.  That night I went to bed and said Lord what are you saying to me???  WHAT WHAT????  Of course I was trying to figure it out for myself.  Bill has a saying that he uses.  “How human of you.”  I was definitely being human.

Then this morning I had another “moment” where God finally got through to me.   This is what he said to me.  “Ellie its me screaming inside of you I NEED TO BE NEEDED.  I need you to let me out of my room within and you be Jesus for me.  You’ve kept me locked up so to speak.  BE Jesus with clothes on.  As you do, the need that deep need that I have to be needed, will be fulfilled through you and even in you.  As you minister to your mom and others I put in your path, you’re doing it as unto me.  And that deep NEED that I have will begin to be filled again through you and by you.  Remember 1 Cor. 13 and the cry you had months ago?  The cry of I want to KNOW YOU JESUS?  What was my response?  It was “I am Love.”  Just BE me.  Just love through your everyday simple tasks of life.  As you love your mom and be there for her.  As you as there for her friends and just love them.  As you do this, your doing it from my heart to theres.  My heart is crying out to be NEEDED.  In the world your living in I’m being pushed out more and more.  Satan is gaining a foot hold in the hearts of men women to where I’m not NEEDED any longer in their lives.  They have found other things to take my place.  I have feelings and emotions and my heart is hurting.  Hurting very badly.  But if one person can just BE ME BY LOVING, just one person can change the world.  Just one!!!  While he was talking I could feel his heart and hear his voice breaking.

This past year Bill and I had the priviledge of going to Bob Jones funeral.  They played a video of him speaking.  He shared an experience of dying and when he was in heaven he was standing on the side looking at a line of people.  He shared that the only question asked of them was, “did you learn to love?”  Those that hadn’t went to hell.  Those that did were escorted into heaven.  That profoundly hit me.  The question wasn’t did you serve in ministry.  What did you do for me??  It was “did you learn to love?”

I have come to realize how much I need to learn in this area.  How that as Christians at times we just go about our daily routine not knowing how important it is to BE the MESSAGE OF LOVE.  We can speak it, but is it truly a part of our lives.  BUT, I’m so glad Papa hasn’t left me to myself.  That he, even though painful, has shown me how selfish I can become without even realizing it.   I know for me personally, the enemy came with the words, “Your missing it.  Your not going to reach your destiny in God.  You obviously didn’t past the last test so your having to go over it again.  You’ve wasted time.”  And on and on and on.   And that so put a fright in me that I couldn’t even see that for me I being here helping my mom, is a ministry of Love unto the Father.  That I am in his perfect will.

And the best part?  I feel NEEDED AND LOVED!  I’ve repented of my selfish motives and listening to satan lies.  I’m gaining so much more by being here with her and its restoring relationship that I’ve longed for.  And I also realize that this is just part of the journey and is part of preparation for what’s ahead.

Lets not forget the simple everyday things that can allow Jesus to become love to others through us.  Even if family!!!

Jesus is saying to each of us, I NEED TO BE NEEDED!!!

To BE or not to BE. That is the Question!

Lately through my own personal wrestling, which by the way I have a lot of, the word “GREATNESS” has come up several times.   That one word has caused me so much frustration in my life time.  Many times through out my life I would get prophetic words like:  “God has called you to greatness.”  “Your to be a woman of Greatness.”  Blah blah blah!!  I was even told that I would become another Katherine Kuhlman.  LOL!!!!  Finally the other day, I had enough of this greatness stuff.  And as I poured my frustration out to the Lord he began to talk to me.

First off I realized as a prophetess myself, how confusing and frustrating that could be to someone.  When people say “greatness,” immediately in your mind you get some grandeur vision if how God is going to use you.  Your going to have this special glow about you .  Your words are going to flow like milk and honey and whose ever ears they fall upon, are going to be healed or blessed.  Your hands may tingle or get hot or you may have major insight into a situation for someone’s life.  I’m not making fun of those things.  But I realize that more times than not, that’s not what happens.  That’s there is a process that we have to go through for “greatness.”  A preparing so that we don’t become proud and arrogant or thinking we have a corner on heaven.   What about the life of Esther, Mary, Ruth.  They were all called to “Greatness,” but their “greatness” was just in them BEING.   I know that may sound strange, but hang in there with me.

I was talking to a precious friend of mine the other day and we talked about this very thing.   She has an amazing ministry to the homeless.  But as she put it, she was in a dark hole feeling like she was of no use to anyone.   She said, I’m done with thinking about destiny or purpose.  I’m just going to live.   With those words I shared with her what God has been dealing with me about.

Those of us who have struggled with low self-esteem at times, when hearing that God has called us to be “great” in His kingdom, if were honest, we may feel this exhilaration and excitement within.  But then after a few days we come down from the heavenly cloud.  We begin to feel pressure and even frustration as to what does that look like.  What do I have to do to get there.  And immediately were trying to make this “greatness” happen.  BUT what if God is just saying GREATNESS IS JUST YOU “BEING.”  This is what the word means.

BEING (noun)

  1. that which exists in any form, whether it be material or spiritual, actual or ideal; living existence, as distinguished from a thing without life; as A human being; spiritual beings.

As you can see with the above explanation, the word “BEING” is that which exists in any form, whether it be material or spirit.  

Here is a scripture about GREATNESS AND BEING:   Matt: 23:11- But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

Greatness in Jesus is us just “BEING.”  Those of us who have known the Lord have a deposit of him within.  Whether we feel the goose bumps or not.  He said, “we are the light of the world.”  As we go about our daily routine all Jesus is asking is for us is to just BE.  BE Jesus with clothes on.  BE sensitive to others no matter where we go in our daily routine.  Whether that is family, friends or even strangers.  Like my friend who has opened herself to helping homeless people in California.  She just listens to their stories and gives them what they need, whether food or blankets etc.  God’s not asking for us to have eloquent words to say to people.   Sometimes it is just a smile or a nod of the head or a soft touch on the shoulder or hand.

I remember years ago the Lord spoke to me one morning and said this.  “Ellie even the smallest things you may do to someone such as a smile or a touch, I count that for my Kingdom.”  Often we feel we have to do big things that make us “GREAT.”  I’m sure there are many, who we are not even aware of, that in God’s sight he considers them ‘GREAT.”  And that’s because they are willing to just BE!!!  BUT the choice is up to us.  “TO BE OR NOT TO BE.  THAT IS THE QUESTION.”



Wrestling through Psalms 23-Part 1

Psalms 23 is a chapter I’ve known by heart since I was 5.  My mom taught it to me so I could recite it at Park Side Bible church in Detroit, Michigan.  I can remember it as clearly as if it was yesterday.  Standing in the middle of the platform clearly reciting the words.  I looked at the back of the church doors so that I wouldn’t see the people’s faces and forget what came next.  LOL!!!  When finished, I went and sat next to my mom and she was smiling ear to ear.  I knew then, I had done a great job and she was very pleased.  She told me recently that my brother, who was 3 at the time, had heard me recite it so many times, that he came to my mother a week after the program and recited it for her word for word.  My brother is smarter than me.  I’ll admit it!!!!  🙂

This morning as I was just sitting in the livingroom here at my moms home, that chapter once again came to my mind.  As I once again for the gazillionth time remembered the words and was saying it in my mind, I realized how much more that chapter means to me now.  How that it spoke to so many seasons in my life.  I got very quiet within and let the Holy Spirit talk for a change.  I know!  I’m the only one who rambles on and the Holy Spirit can’t get a word in edgewise.  NOT!!!!!  LOL!!!!!

For the next few days I’m going to share with you this chapter and how that it has impacted my life through some of my darkest days.  In the end I’m hoping you’ll be encouraged and realize, that when David wrote, “Yea though I walk THROUGH the darkest valley, (of the Shadow of Death), I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me,” that David truly meant every word.  He had experienced it in his own life so he could truthfully write these words.

Lets look at the words again.  This is taken from the NIV version.

A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.  He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley,[a]I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I’m going to share with you some of my past and in the end it will make sense why Psalms 23 spoke so loudly to me.  It may seem a bit backwards, but please just flow with me here.  LOL!  I’m going to talk about the second verse.  “He MAKES me to LIE down in green pastures.  He leads me beside the still waters.”  Like I said its a bit backwards.  LOL!

In 1996 I suffered a complete mental and emotional breakdown.  I had been a pastor’s wife from 1969 through to 1996.  I had sensed for some time that something within was not quite right.  I was having a hard time concentrating and keeping up with my church family responsibilities and my natural family responsibilities.   I didn’t know how to say no to either family.  I was not sleeping well and filled with a lot of anxiety.  My home life was deteriorating very fast.  My immediate family couldn’t understand why all of a sudden this vibrant mom who did everything and was there for everything and everyone, just couldn’t do what she had done before.  I felt very suicidal many times and bed was my comfort zone.  What none of us realized then, was that I was on the verge of Burn Out.

Finally there were sure tale signs that something was wrong.  The first was the day my oldest son was married.  The wedding was beautiful and we had a lot of family members who came from both sides of the family.  In the evening after the wedding and reception, the ladies of the church had made a reception for the out of towners to come and eat and fellowship.  Some of the nieces and nephews had gone to the fireworks because it was the 4th of July weekend.  There was a lot of hustle and bustle and people coming in and out of the church hall.  I remember all of a sudden something inside shut off.  Something snapped.  It’s the only way I can describe it.  I looked at my then husband and said, “I have to go home.”  He took one look at me and knew that something was wrong.  He told the ladies at the church and visitors, that Ellie needed to get home and get some rest.  A couple of the ladies that were close to me knew that something wasn’t right.  Somehow I made myself walk to the car and he drove us home.  When there, I almost collapsed and he had to undress me and put me to bed.  Later that evening my mom and family came over to the house and I “seemed” perfectly fine.  We had such a great time of laughing and eating and going over the wedding again.  But after they left, I felt like jelly again and went directly to bed.

The next morning I got up for church.  My brother was speaking which I was very excited about.  Now I had been playing the piano at church 90% of the time, for every single service unless on vacation.  That morning as worship was beginning to take off, I suddenly couldn’t remember where my fingers should go on what keys or how to even play the songs.  I remember panic rising up inside big time.  I looked at one of my best friends who was playing the organ and told her to play the intro to the songs.  She immediately knew something was wrong with me.  I then couldn’t remember how to even play the song, so I asked a young lady I knew to come take my place and went and sat down by my mom and family.  They looked concerned, but none of us said anything about it.  Again after church that Sunday we went out to eat and had a great time of laughter and fun.  But after we got home I crashed.  Again my insides felt like jelly again.  My former husband and I attributed it to being so involved with all the wedding preparations and then the wedding itself.  On Monday we all went out to eat, and then my precious family left.  At that point I suddenly felt horribly alone and scared.  I had been able to mask my feelings and emotions from them.  So I thought!!!!

Finally the following Sunday I went to a church with one of my closest friends in Canada.  Feeling that maybe just a short sabbatical would take care of whatever was going on.  I never dreamed that God was getting ready to ‘MAKE ME LIE DOWN.” and rest.  A young lady that I didn’t know, was speaking about how she had been Spiritually abused by leaders in her life.  All of a sudden my insides started shaking so bad that I asked to be excused and went down to a room to cry and try to calm my emotions down and regain my composure.  A close friend there in Canada came down and saw the state I was in.  She asked me what was going on.  I could hardly talk.  She got the assistant pastors wife to come down and also my friend who came with me.  They started to pray.  Then the pastor came down.  Someone told him what was going on.  He had known my former husband from bible school days.  I remember him coming down and pulling up a chair in front of me.  He started to pray.  The next thing that happened, was that I was hitting him with everything I could and screaming at him.  His glasses flew off and he was backing up against a wall.  Everyone in the room was in shock.  I kept hitting him until I had no more strength.  When I came to my senses, I ran to the couch and curled up in a ball and cried for an hour.  It came in waves and waves of heart wrenching cries.  The pastor never once stopped me from hitting him.  He knew some of my background and how abusive it had been through religious teaching.  The wonderful thing is, that God protected him and he never even bruised.  WOW!!!!!  I remember hearing a close friend of mine say to the pastor, “she needs a blood transfusion in the spirit.”  After I had calmed down somewhat, he prayed for me and then called my husband to come over.  He said that I had a melt down.  My husband came and we both spoke to the pastor.  It was agreed upon that I could stay for two weeks and get counseling to see what the root issue of all this was.  It was clear that God was up to something and had been trying to slow me down to hear his voice.  And that I had kept so busy that I never had time because I was doing ‘GODS” work.   Now He was ” MAKING ME LIE DOWN in green pastures.”  At the time I didn’t realize it though.  And I also didn’t realize that I was getting ready to walk through some of the most difficult and darkest days of my life.

Tomorrow I’ll share more on the how and why’s this was so important in my life.  How that this season was so necessary to remove gunk and junk from my life that I had ignored for years.  Stick with me.  It does get better and I pray will be an encouragement to you in your walking through Psalms 23.

My AHA Moment

What a hell of a month this has been.  And for those of you who may have been offended by me using the word hell I apologize.  BUT, for me personally it truly has been.  I’ve heard from many of you also, that this month has been one of the most unusual and worst October’s that you can remember.  That you were counting the days that October would be over and the 1st of November arrive.
Things didn’t start to come together for me until late yesterday afternoon.  I’m sharing, in the hopes, that you will also find answers and be encouraged and take courage that even though circumstances or situations may not have changed necessarily, that they soon are going too.
This month as I previously mentioned has been hell for me personally.  There are many reasons.  There has been continuous and I mean continuous onslaughts of the enemy and his minions.
1.  Sleepless nights because of bad dreams.
2.  Waking up with panic attacks.
3.  Hearing, your 65 and look at you.  What have you accomplished in your life.
4.  See God has left you.  Your bills are not going to be paid on time.  So much for walking by faith.  You better get a hold of Social Services and see if they can help you.
5.  Your past is a mess.  Seriously????  What if people knew the truth about you.
6.  Its better if your husband would leave you.  He’d be better off.  Your nothing but a drama case.
7.  You’ve had prophetic words over you that God has called you to be a Seer.  That’s a joke.  You can’t even see for yourself.  How can you help others.  DUH!!
Crazy as they may sound to you, (although I’m sure you’ve had some of the same), when your in the midst of the onslaught, its very very real. The voices are so loud that its hard to drown them out.  Pray I did.  Had people praying for me also.  Listened to worship music.  Did everything I knew to do.  But now realize that I was in a spiritual class room where God wanted me to learn some things.
This October was the worst I could remember.  A continuous fight day and night.  There were times I would get a short reprieve, but it was only long enough to catch a deep breath before the next labor pain so to speak.
I have been blessed with an amazing husband Bill and my friendy ( which by the way I have known for almost 30 years), Corine who literally stuck by me and pulled me through this difficult month.  I was able to talk to them about anything.  And I mean anything.  One thing I have learned and that is this, keeping things in the dark and not allowing yourself to share with someone you trust, makes satan very happy.  He hates it when you expose whats going on inside because then its in the light and he can’t use it against you any longer.  Remember darkness HATES the LIGHT.  Yes at times it was difficult and even embarrassing.  I thought that I should have been farther along in my walk with the Lord than this.  I should have been able to get through this by myself.  After all, I’ve been saved since I was 6 years of age and I’m a ministers wife.  I’ve counseled other women in their struggles of depression and discouragements.  I’ve been able to see them come through with flying colors.  Why couldn’t I do that for myself this time.  BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!  LOLOL!!!!!  You know how the enemy works.  Then yesterday everything came clear in just a matter of seconds.  And I’m not kidding on that one.  It was a major AHA moment as Oprah would say.
I was sitting in a chair here in my mothers home.  She was sleeping and the voices kept raging on and on and on.  I was so tired of them and within I was screaming, God give me answers here.  This enough already!!!!
As I was sitting in the chair this reality came like a force to me.  It was this, that there are two very real Kingdoms here that are battling for my life.  The Kingdom of Satan and the Kingdom of Darkness.  Yes I’ve heard this before.  But when God wants to speak, it always seems fresh and new.  It hit me like a lightening bolt.  No kidding.  I remember I put my head back and thought, what was that????  It hit me again.  Even stronger.  Then all of a sudden everything became so clear.
I had read an article about a Principality called Python.  How it comes to squeeze the “life” out of those who have set their hearts to follow the Lord.  How that he comes with deception and lies and how that his voice is so real and convincing and seemingly overpowering.  As I heard that in my Spirit, I also heard, “so what Kingdom are you going to be a part of??  Who are you going to truly give your life over to serve?  You have a choice.”  I thought what???  Didn’t I already make this choice?  BUT at that very moment, I knew that I knew that God was requiring of me a deeper consecration.  A deeper saying yes to Him and His will for my life.  And I then knew that I knew, why this last month had been so hard and trying.
I know that this year for whatever reason, and I have some thoughts, that the demonic has been unleashed in a way many of us weren’t expecting.  We thought it was just going to be another stinkin Halloween.  But, we have a young lady that we consider our daughter.  Its a long story that I don’t have time to go into yet.  She was born into a high level Occult in Australia.  They had been warning us for weeks, that this year was going to be different in the realm of the spirit than any previous Halloween year. Not only for them, but for us also.  They were dreading it and trying to just survive.  And if you have any discernment at all, with all that has been happening in the news with random shootings, and occult practices that the police are trying to figure out, you know that something definitely has changed.
I believe that many of us have been going through a time especially this month of further training and learning.  That God has literally had some of us in a school in the spirit.  That he has been watching ever so closely to see how we would overcome this month in particular.  He never left us, but he was watching to see how we would handle this particular testing time and see how much we had learned from previous training sessions so to speak.
Now you can say, “WOW I blew that test.”  Or you can realize that what God was and is after is a further committment to him.  If I hadn’t gone through this last month, and I did get through it, I would never have learned the things that I did.  Was I victorious all the time?  NO!!  But as my husband is wonderful about saying to me, “Ellie quit marking your report card.  That’s God’s job. And he knows that you are flesh, so I’m sure you got an A.”
What did I learn?  I learned who Python was and what some of his tricks a or tactics are.  I learned that I never need to hide from talking to someone about what I’m going through. That satan loves for us to hide our problems and thoughts from others.  So that they can remain in the darkness and and not come to the light.  So then he can prey upon us with them.  I learned that God so loved me that he was closely observing my every move.  That He was going to make sure that I didn’t fail.  I learned that He truly wants me to be a part of His team so to speak.  And I learned that once He made everything clear, and I further committed my life to Him, that I graduated into another level of Faith.  I also realize that I couldn’t live my life without Him.  I found out that my Love for Jesus was so much deeper than I realized and that my love for Jesus has grown so much stronger through this month of testing.  Was it painful and hard, you bet.  BUT so worth it now that I’m on the other side.
For those of you who are reading this and feeling like what’s the use.  I want you to know that God has never left you.  That your AHA moment is just around the corner.  That the bottom line is that God is asking you for a further commitment to His will and purpose in your life and that you won’t be disappointed.  Sure this month was hell.  But I look back now and am so thankful at what I’ve learned and even more thankful that He brought me through.  He will do the same for you.  I promise.
I leave you with my favorite verse:  Yep you know what one I mean.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Get ready for your AHA moment!!!!
Your friend,