For about a week now I have been hearing and feeling these words. “I need to be needed.” At first these words were just a random thought. But as the days went on, there were times it was overwhelming. It came to a point where it would almost seem like a scream from WITHIN.
I need to give you some back ground of where I’m going with all of this. Please bear with me as I do. I promise it will make sense in the end and hopefully encourage your heart as well. Isa 55:8-9 says this: 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
In January of this year, Bill and I moved to South Carolina. In November of 2013 while at Morningstar in a Sunday morning service, the Lord sovereignly spoke to me. During worship I suddenly saw a glass dome come over me. I could still hear people worshipping, but it was a muffled sound. I than heard the Lord say this, “Elle welcome home.” I said out loud, “this isn’t home. Pennsylvania is.” I remember my BFF Diana looking at me like what???? LOL! He said, “Ellie, Bill needs to be on a sabbatical to write his book on Spiritual Warfare. Also he has a physical condition that needs attending too. Plus you need to be CLOSE TO YOUR MOM.” Then the dome lifted and I was right back into the service. All I could do was cry. I never told anyone but waited for a confirmation. Much to my surprise I got it the following day when Bill saw our doctor. The doctor said, “Bill you need a sabbatical. Your have the beginnings of an ulcer.” I lost it and started to cry and when I could get my composure, I shared what had happened the day before in service. So that was the beginning of putting everything in motion to move to South Carolina. God gave us confirmation after confirmation that it was His will. Not some fly by night word. But I have to tell you it was the hardest move I have ever made. I would cry with each box packed. But inside I knew that this was important if for no other reason then Bill’s health. The day we moved, I was the last one to leave the house. It was heart wrenching. BUT knowing what I know now, God had so much more in store for me to see and learn. Like most human beings, when God speaks a word of direction for our lives, we immediately get in our minds what He is up too. BUT more times than not, we are sooooo wrong.
Once moved and settled in I started to read a book called THE PATH, by Rick Joyner. That book moved me inside like none I have read in a very long time. I would get up early each morning with anticipation for the next chapter. I’d get my coffee and grab the book and made sure I had a pin to underline. And underline I did. As I read each chapter, the hunger to “know Jesus” became increasingly powerful. There was a song that I would listen to daily by Kim Walker Smith, called “Pursuit.” That song drove me into further hunger for Jesus. I can remember days of saying out loud one portion of the song, “I will NOT be denied.” One day while praying and crying deep sobs I said, ” Jesus I want my own personal experience with you. I’m not reading the gospels. That was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John’s experience. I want my own.” Well he heard my prayer, BUT never in the way I expected and never in the way I would have imagined.
A couple of days later in the early morning hours, I suddenly was awaken and I mean wide awake. It was around 3 in the morning. I felt a unusal drawing of the Holy Spirit to get up and get my coffee, book and a pin. I did. I could sense the presence of the Lord so strongly. My heart was racing inside and I couldn’t get the coffee fast enough. When I did, I took a sip and sat back and just got quiet. Suddenly I heard this so clear in my spirit, “Ellie you have a deep capacity to love. You’ve been crying out to know me. To me is to “love.” I am giving you a new angel today called Benevolence. He will help you as you walk this walk. He will help teach you. And also I want you to do homework. Read 1 Corinthians 13 every single day.” Then the Lord opened my eyes to see the new angel. At first I was really skeptical. But he definitely was real! About 6 1/2 feet fall and clothes in white raiment. Had a gold sash for a belt around his waist. I remember wondering is this real or is this an unclean spirit and Papa is just testing me. Hey, I’m sure you’ve all had this happen to you too. LOL!! I went back to bed around 5. My angel followed me. I laid down in my bed and looked again and there he was at the doorway of our bedroom. He was smiling and had a mischievous look in his eyes. He said, “you don’t trust me do you?” I thought what is up with this??? Then I thought I haven’t challenged this being. Maybe it isn’t of God, especially with that look in his eyes. Now hear me. He wasn’t scary and I didn’t feel anything creepy. But he could be an angel of light right??? Seeming to be an angel but not? I’ve had that happen a few times. Anyways, I just hadn’t seen that look in an angels eyes before. So I sat up and looked him right in the eyes and challenged him. “By the blood of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, are you for us or against us? I command you to tell me what Kingdom your of.” He said, “I serve the Living God. I’m from the Kingdom of the Most High.” Bam!! Then I realized, this angel has personality. LOL!!! I have another angel also called Eucalyptus, which means healing, but his personality is much different. So I laid down and went fast to sleep not realizing that this journey of “Love” was to take a turn I wasn’t expecting.
Most of you now know if not all of you, that I have moved in with my mom. God’s word was true when he said “you need to be close to your mom.” Go figure right? LOL! She is 90 and has not been doing well physically. It came to a head in August when as a family, we knew mom could not stay alone anymore. She was showing signs of confusion and that was scary when it came to her medicines. We had one near fatal incident and didn’t want to see another. So with agreement of my mom, which is another story I’ll share sometime, and family, Bill and I took on the responsibility of being with her here in Florida. It has been a transition. One I didn’t understand and first and in all honesty really struggled with.
Moving in with my mom came about so fast. I came to take over for my sister who is a teacher living in Dallas Texas. I never thought that once here I wouldn’t be returning home to live. There were days of intense struggle. Lord I would ask “how can this be your will. I thought you said, that my mom would need me close. I didn’t think you meant that I had to move in with her. I’m supposed to be in ministry with Bill.” BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! Amazing how much selfishness arises when we think we need to be “doing” God’s work not realizing that we are, by taking care of your mom. All the time though I’m reading 1 Cor. 13. WOW!! But I was missing it. Totally missing it. Even had verses underlined!!!
The other evening my mom was sharing with me an incident that happened to her. In the end she said this, “I NEEDED TO BE NEEDED!” Yep! You can imagine what went on inside of me. Bells and whistles blowing like crazy. And loudly may I say. The very words I had been hearing for a good week or more. That night I went to bed and said Lord what are you saying to me??? WHAT WHAT???? Of course I was trying to figure it out for myself. Bill has a saying that he uses. “How human of you.” I was definitely being human.
Then this morning I had another “moment” where God finally got through to me. This is what he said to me. “Ellie its me screaming inside of you I NEED TO BE NEEDED. I need you to let me out of my room within and you be Jesus for me. You’ve kept me locked up so to speak. BE Jesus with clothes on. As you do, the need that deep need that I have to be needed, will be fulfilled through you and even in you. As you minister to your mom and others I put in your path, you’re doing it as unto me. And that deep NEED that I have will begin to be filled again through you and by you. Remember 1 Cor. 13 and the cry you had months ago? The cry of I want to KNOW YOU JESUS? What was my response? It was “I am Love.” Just BE me. Just love through your everyday simple tasks of life. As you love your mom and be there for her. As you as there for her friends and just love them. As you do this, your doing it from my heart to theres. My heart is crying out to be NEEDED. In the world your living in I’m being pushed out more and more. Satan is gaining a foot hold in the hearts of men women to where I’m not NEEDED any longer in their lives. They have found other things to take my place. I have feelings and emotions and my heart is hurting. Hurting very badly. But if one person can just BE ME BY LOVING, just one person can change the world. Just one!!! While he was talking I could feel his heart and hear his voice breaking.
This past year Bill and I had the priviledge of going to Bob Jones funeral. They played a video of him speaking. He shared an experience of dying and when he was in heaven he was standing on the side looking at a line of people. He shared that the only question asked of them was, “did you learn to love?” Those that hadn’t went to hell. Those that did were escorted into heaven. That profoundly hit me. The question wasn’t did you serve in ministry. What did you do for me?? It was “did you learn to love?”
I have come to realize how much I need to learn in this area. How that as Christians at times we just go about our daily routine not knowing how important it is to BE the MESSAGE OF LOVE. We can speak it, but is it truly a part of our lives. BUT, I’m so glad Papa hasn’t left me to myself. That he, even though painful, has shown me how selfish I can become without even realizing it. I know for me personally, the enemy came with the words, “Your missing it. Your not going to reach your destiny in God. You obviously didn’t past the last test so your having to go over it again. You’ve wasted time.” And on and on and on. And that so put a fright in me that I couldn’t even see that for me I being here helping my mom, is a ministry of Love unto the Father. That I am in his perfect will.
And the best part? I feel NEEDED AND LOVED! I’ve repented of my selfish motives and listening to satan lies. I’m gaining so much more by being here with her and its restoring relationship that I’ve longed for. And I also realize that this is just part of the journey and is part of preparation for what’s ahead.
Lets not forget the simple everyday things that can allow Jesus to become love to others through us. Even if family!!!
Jesus is saying to each of us, I NEED TO BE NEEDED!!!